I am a pleaser, sickened by my constant pleasing. Years of therapy haven’t changed it. It’s like totally ingrained in my DNA, in-extractable because it’s who I am.
I’m in my mid-forties – too old to still be telling everyone what they want to hear instead of telling it like it is. If you saw me, you wouldn’t guess my angst. I fit it. I’m blond and smiling, and my house is always clean (in case I die and someone has to get in to take care of things — what would they think of me if my house is a mess? I know, who cares, I’m dead, right? Oh, I care).
Years ago, we moved to a small town where everyone is utterly perfect. I’m not perfect, yet I keep trying – and then hate myself for trying because dammit, wasn’t I supposed to be done with this already?
Aside from pleasing, I other bad habits, too. I swear. I seethe. I judge. I fish around expertly for compliments because I can’t get through a day without warmth, love and validation. And I apologize like crazy, over stupid things.
But I love to read, laugh, cook and eat. Oh, and sleep — man, I love sleeping. Just the smell of fresh sheets makes me swoon and shiver.
I have another blog that’s not so offensive, but I most days I feel offensive. So I’ve added this blog. The Top Secret Blog. To say what I want, write what I want, and try that out for size.
See if you like it. I hope it pleases you. If not, so fucking what — right?
(OMG, no one is commenting, why is no one commenting??)
I love this blog. It’s totally awesome and anyone who doesn’t read it it missing out on the best, most awesome blog ever.
I really liked what you wrote. You were honest. Your stylish touches (in your writing) came from the substance of what you were writing about, not the other way around, as so many people make the mistake of doing. I felt that I heard your voice, loud and clear.
One more thing: Most things worth doing are NOT worth doing in a T-shirt. Even a trip to Kohl’s. I also prefer a crisp shirt!
I love you. Can I say that? I totally love you. I have been fantasizing (obsessing) about doing just what you are doing – creating a blog where you can say whatever you want without anyone knowing it’s you. Yep, you’ve inspired me. I think I’m gonna do it. And I’m not one of those happy mommy bloggers. I love my children, but most days I wonder when the men in white jackets are going to take me away. I’m nuts. Certifiably insane.
Keep it going. I just bookmarked you. I will add you to my blog roll if I actually start a blog.