I refuse to be a mommy blogger.
Every day, I get up and I make beds, make meals, make up things-to-do, make appointments, make arrangements and make peace. My entire day is devoted to being a mom. I want to say adoringly that I just love it. But I’d be blowing smoke. This blog does not please.
My mommy friends are great. We call each other to disect our mommy issues. Often when I’m having these conversations, I’m pouring cereal, picking up toys or wiping someone else’s ass. I’m usually in my pajamas. My mommy friends keep me sane, but some days we could use something else to talk about.
On the rare occassion when my husband and I go on a “date”, we go out to dinner and talk about the kids. Once I said, “Let’s see if we can spend an evening not talking about the kids.” We sat and ate in awkward silence. I seached for someting to say. I wanted to dazzle my husband with wit and depth, but I went blank. I finally caved and lifted the constraint. I could tell he was relieved.
I read funny mommy blogs and I notice the other mommy blogs that dominate their blogrolls. I scan the list and feel left out of the club I refuse to join. It’s a vitural clique of happy moms congregating on the blogging playground. It tires me.
I see so may women who become mommies and cease being everything else. I think that’s what happened to me. I even have a stupid mommy haircut. It saves me time.
I can’t quit my mommy job. I love my kids. My youngst daughter has the softest, sugariest skin. I call her “the Donut”. When things get rough, if I just kiss her squishy little self I feel better. But these are brief moments. I refuse to get so lost in them that I forget about the rest of me.
What I can do is sneak away for a private blogging moment and challenge myself to have a conversation about something else. I can dazzle my imaginary listener with wit and depth.
But right now, I’m drawing a blank.
i know what you mean.
i’ve just found your blog, and i dig it.
think i’m going to add it to my blogroll!
It’s so hard NOT to lose yourself in the whole Mommyhood of it all. We ARE more, right?! But for now, we’ll go on our dates with our husbands, drink wine, and “try” to talk about politics or something else.
Just stumbled on your blog – love the writing. I felt the same way when I raised my kids. It’s a double edged sword because you’ll miss it all when it’s gone.
I just found your blog. I can totally relate, thats how i feel alot of the time.I also am left to wonder, who would I be and what would I be doing right now if I were not a mommy? I dont have an answer yet.